BY DEREK BAILEY (’16)

To deepen understanding and support of the LGBTQ community during UCLA’s LGBTQ Awareness week, Derek Bailey (’16) shares his personal challenge coming out. A former Marine, Derek served under the Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell law, which forbade members of the LGBTQ community from serving openly. His story is a deeply personal one of challenge, acceptance and strength.

Coming out was probably one of the most difficult things I’ve ever done in my life. I grew up in a relatively conservative military family, and the topic of homosexuality never came up. I realized I was gay at a very young age, but out of fear of being judged and marginalized for who I was as a person, I kept my sexual orientation a secret for years. I attended a very conservative, catholic university that at the time did not recognize the student-run LGBT organization on campus, and furthermore, did not provide protections for students, faculty and staff that identified as LGBTQ. I then entered military service under Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell (DADT), the law forbidding members of the LGBTQ community from serving openly in the armed forces. What I hope you can tell from my life story is that from a quality of life perspective of a gay man, I made some pretty poor decisions in my life. Now, although those decisions may not have been the best ones for me, I’ve never regretted them. I honestly believe that my time in college and in the Marine Corps have made me the person that I am today, and both provided me with unique insight into how the LGBT community is treated in very conservative circles. 

As time went on, however, I realized that keeping my sexual identity a secret would be an untenable way for me to live, and it was during my sophomore and junior years in college that I fell into a deep pit of depression. I had very little motivation in life, and I began to lose sight of what was important to me. This eventually led to some very destructive behavior, and at one point it got so bad that I even considered taking my own life. I couldn’t envision a pain greater than what I was going through at that moment. Imagine not knowing who you are as a person, and not being able to look up to anybody for guidance. It’s a suffocating feeling and, like many of today’s LGBTQ youth, the only solution that I saw to my problem was to end my own life. Fortunately for me, somebody entered my life and showed me that I could be happy, I could be successful, and I could look forward to my future despite the fact that I was a gay man.  I credit my being here today to this one person, because if he had not stepped into my life during my time of need, I don’t think I would’ve made it. And I am fortunate and blessed enough to call that same person my husband today.  He gave me the courage to come out and accept my sexual orientation.

Although I felt comfortable telling those that were close to me, I still lived in fear of others’ discovering my true identity. When I entered military service in 2010, DADT was still a very real law and I faced serious consequences if I came out in the workplace. I remember having to change my now-husband’s name to a girl’s name in my cell phone, because I was worried that a simple, “I love you” text from him would be read by a colleague. If we were both out in town and accidentally ran into a co-worker, I would introduce him as my roommate or just a college friend. Looking back now, I’m ashamed for hiding such an important part of my life. What my story should demonstrate to you is that the coming out process is almost never an easy one. People in the closet often live in debilitating and paralyzing fear of not being accepted by their family, friends and co-workers.  Therefore, it is vital for us as a community to advocate for those who are silent and just don’t have the courage to realize their true selves.